2017... A Good Year?

How fitting.... that I would choose to start this journey on December 31st.... at 5 AM....

Obviously... my mind is swirling with the end of 2017 and the start of a new year.

Reflecting on this year I truly don't know how I feel about it.  Was it an overall good year?  Well, if I say no.... I'm not counting my blessing... health of my family.... my husband.... and all that we have.... If I say yes, I'm not owning all my shortcomings this year, all the heartbreak and hurt I've met and what has happened to cause pause and pain in my life. 

So, I am left with not knowing how I feel about 2017.

I have been up since 3 AM thinking of all that lies ahead and how I would perfectly like to maneuver through 2018 to be left next December 31st with an overwhelming.... WHAT A GREAT YEAR feeling.  But in my heart I know not only is that not going to happen.... it is IMPOSSIBLE.  Not because I suck, but because I am human and this is life.... and life... included in it's secret definition is a roller coaster of good and bad... pretty and ugly.... joy and pain....

So back to the changes I'd like to try to attain this year and how I crafted them.... 

I would like to take it by category.... since I am a type A personality through and through....

GOD

I get it.... he loves me no matter what.... he loves me unconditionally.... and in every way.... he made this crazy person and all her quirks.... but honestly this year.... overall I have failed in my relationship with him.  Don't get me wrong.... I had my moments of starting studies and praying more and attending church regularly.... but my problem summed up.... CONSISTENCY! The enemy of my progress.  I really need to step up my game this year.... not because of guilty.... or for my children even.... but because I am a better person with GOD in my life daily!  I feel so overwhelmed by it all right now.... feel like the mountain of change is IMPOSSIBLE... and I know that ALL things are possible with GOD.... so that should be my first goal.... my first step.... securing my anchor... and my anchor needs to be my relationship with the Lord. period. I could end here....

This year I will finish my walk with Jesus study!

I will attend church more regularly!

I will pray with my children!

I will say a rosary weekly or more!

I will talk to him throughout the day.... 

I will rest my troubles at his feet....

and I will pray for forgiveness and the ability to forgive....

Mothering

This only comes before marriage because I can't even right now....

I have had many successful moments and many unsuccessful moments.... I think.... I don't know... there is no proof to this.... until years from now.... this whole thing is a gamble..... Ahhh!

I have a great relationship with each of my children.... although I am always left at days end feeling mother guilt.... like there was more to do.... more to say.... more to enforce....

I will spend more time playing with each of my children.

I will read more with them for pleasure.

I will find healthier meal plans for them.

I will limit electronics.

I will love more and critique less.

I will parent with GOD in the lead.

Self

ohhhh where do I start?  This has been a year... !  and I am going to have to break this down further into sub topics.... of friendship.... health.... workout goals.... beauty and fashion....

Let's start with health.... well.... it has been a roller coaster.... a major injury of a torn ACL, surgery and recovery has led me to a problem with complacency, lack of discipline and depression due to the results of that.... my weight.... a number.... with so many affects on self esteem.... 

Now I could get on my horse and say how this society and it's views on weight and women and blah blah blah.... and I want my daughter to grow up free from blah, blah, blah.....

BUT

at the end of the day... the way I feel about myself doesn't just have to do with magazines and fashion blogs.... it has to do with my mind whether it was influenced by all of that not subconsciously is too much for me to unravel.... the truth is.... I feel unfit.... unhealthy.... not happy with myself.... so that is what I need to go with at this point..... I like a fitter body.... a more able body.... a smaller body.... I like to feel strong and mobile.... and the truth is.... If I felt that way and still looked and weighed the same.... I wouldn't care!  but I don't.... 

I have taken new journeys with medication into a world of hormones this year to try to curve my exhaustion to help motivate me to workout and climb out of this hole.... and that is yet to be determined as to whether it is beneficial or not.... I will continue down this path with discernment and judge the results in later posts....

I have dabbled in diets and food choices based on availability.... and mood.... again the victim to consistency.... I will give myself that.... I am consistent at being inconsistent!

from GF to ideas of Paleo and in-between....

In beauty and fashion, I have taken steps to long rectify things I have always wanted to do.... Invisalign being one of them.  I have always wanted straighter teeth and a better smile.... to smile more... that is what this year is going to be about... (Maybe my Invisalign is the foundation of 2018)

I am doing that and I would say with some weak consistency but consistency nonetheless! That is positive and something to be celebrated!  I have also taken better care of my skin and streamlined a more appropriate makeup look.  I have done an initial cleaning of my closet and vowed not to buy or wear anything not comfortable or age appropriate.... I love fashion and will continue to express and explore who I am through what I wear.

Lastly, for this category... Friendship

This can be looked at 2 ways... as a success for shedding what I have shed and the lessons I have learned through this hurtful process.... or as a failure for my part I played in cutting ties and moving on.  This area has forced me to address things about myself that I can't quite figure out are good and healthy or bad and secluding... It is a perplexing road for me.... of missteps and pride, to shedding unhealthy bonds.  From tennis team exclusion to jealous, needless selfish friends, to missed opportunities to deepen healthy relationships.  I have at times been a good friend and others terrible.... but my expectation in return is hypocritical.  I lack deeper friendships here and blame it on so many things.... but goals I must set..... and changes I must make regardless of mistakes made and sadness felt about things this year. I have to remember that I must look at my boundaries and not regret them, but rather be proud of them and honor them... and things that have happened are out of my control.... not all women will be friends.... not all women even like each other..... the truth is.... we are vicious creatures.... by nurture or nature.... vicious creatures....

So in the category of self....

I will solidify my health goals by taking vitamins and medications

I will come up with a consistent workout plan and KEEP it.... (Hotworx and lifting and tennis)

Start an eating plan and be consistent with it!  I will track and weigh and measure and do!  It will be my job!

I will wear my Invisalign and follow through follow through follow through

I will clean my closet of all things I clung to in my first swipe that have to go!!!! and continue to only purchase of my new plan!!

I will continue to care for my skin and have facials and wear sunscreen!

and in regards to friendship...

I will be a better friend.... seek out actively deeper bonds.... and plan a girls trip with ADAIR and with friends here!

Now onto Marriage....

wait.... can't....

2017... I have failed as a wife.... which upon reflection leads me to more questions than answers....

Doesn't this... this failure effect so many of my other shortcomings.....?  Like the root of evil....

Doesn't all this failure have to do with the type of partner and love he provides ?

How do I set and keep healthy boundaries for myself regardless of his lack of effort, affection,  or apology?

How do I shed my anger when it is daily abuse and neglect?

How do I forgive a person who is unapologetic for the mountains of hurt an abuse?

How, how, how???

How do I move past this.... How do I forgive?

Should I leave him?

So... I will wipe my eyes....

I will stop feeing sorry for myself.... this is my situation!!!!!  I will own it!!!!

Like a BOSS!

I will go to Monday night group again!

I will blog about like.... the real life.... the things I feel!!!! 

the good, the bad, the ugly
I will make tough decisions.... for the betterment of self and children....

starting this today....this.... is a positive step....

so there it is.... my first reflection... starting with looking back on 2017....

Here a list of goals.... resolutions.... many, many, many.... yes... but all in my heart and now here before me....

To sum it up... if someone were to ask me that inevitable question.... 

What are your New Year's resolutions?

My answer would have to be....

Love More

and Be More Thankful

wink.... wink....